Many of the folks on the Mint forums are great. Very Top Notch.
I think that many users do not experience sluggishness, even if it common enough that some of us notice it. That makes it very tough to try to suss out the cause. And I was unaware that XFCE also bogs down on Mint. This is new information to me and a bit of a game-changer... Though it does suggest that the problem is solely in something about the Mint side. Which is interesting.
I began my journey into Linux on Zorin OS, so I have only ever Tried Mint Out during distro-hopping. I never tried Mint XFCE very much, simply because Zorin comes with XFCE.
I also install Cinnamon from the Embrosyn repository.
That said, I installed it from the Main Server for Zorin OS 16 since the Embrosyn repo does not yet have a Focal file. And I have not, at any time, slowed down on Zorin in the least.
I really think that Mint is a great team. I fully support their strong FOSS Ideology and these days - Wen Need That. But I also admit plainly that Zorin OS, in my experience, has a strong tendency to be far more stable, far faster in performance and quicker with solid updates. Sometimes, on Zorin, I get a bad update that breaks something - but a fix comes out quick.
Ultimately... another person might look over my Zorin OS installation and ask, "Why do you use Zorin at all?" I do not use the Zorin Extensions. I remove dockbarx, I do not use Zorin Appearance. I do not use the Zorin Icons or the Zorin themes. Looking at my system, you would not recognize it on the surface as being Zorin at all, except for the Zorin Logo in my terminal which I custom put in (with gratitude for the help from kcaps who taught me how).
I install Zorin, then the Work Begins of changing everything, tweaking everything, putting in my Own Preferred apps and settings. But the Underlying expertly assembled base of Zorin OS is what matters- delivering Solid Performance and solid updates.
But I also think your husband is as sharp - MXLinux is a very near thing to Zorin OS, with certain differences that I really appreciate. In communicating with the MXLinux Team often enough, I always felt well-informed and often even entertained. The MX team is a great team that keeps a lot of spirit in Linux. I strongly prefer a non-systemd OS and I tolerate it on Zorin OS. I have ways of mitigating it... (It's part of why I fumble on helping users with sound Issues). I appreciate the teams bold decision to include systemd-shim, allowing user choice with a simple grub parameter, though they caught some unfair flak for it.
I do wish the ZorinGroup was as open with documentation as both the above mentioned teams as that would make Zorin OS a far stronger Distro.