Okay, I pressed ESC... I got to something that looked a bit like a DOS screen... I found quiet splash and entered in the code you suggested and then...!
...everything happened pretty much the exact same. At the very very VERY least, in between I think the "do you want to connect to the internet" screens and the screen when it ought to be recognizing my
SSD, it took its sweet time. That was different. It at least seemed to have a more thorough look around, but still turned up nothing.
I'm a bit confused... MOST of the world uses laptops... MOST of the world's laptops carry SSDs, right? Zorin can't possibly be marketing only toward build-it-yourself tower computer users who-for-some-reason-insist-on-HDDs, can they? I mean their website features laptops! I can't be the only person who's dealt with this if this is the common experience for people with laptops trying to make the switch, can I?
Speaking as someone with 2 other laptops in the house I'm wanting to switch over, I'm not feeling super confident right now. 
Can anyone suggest what would be the Gold Standard of tutorials so I can see if there's anything I still haven't done in the Windows side of things?
Barring this... I'm not against cracking the laptop open and installing a brand new SSD.... IF it meant that I wasn't going to run into this issue. Like, if Windows is somehow blocking me, I'm happy to just buy a brand new SSD and install it that way. It'll be more expensive, but it would get me what I want - which is Bill Gates out of my life.
That said, I'm not keen to spend the $$ on an SSD if it just means I'm going to hit the same roadblock.
Thanks for sticking with me!